Small Fish in a Big Ponds

It’s about this time when I start to wonder if things really are going in the right direction. As I get prepared to pack up and leave the place I’ve known for the past 10 years, I can’t help but reflect on why I’m leaving and why I’ve decided to follow the path that I’ve set myself on. Just a few months ago it all seemed so clear: Finish Permaculture certificate, put in a good chunk of time at this new job, move upstate to help start this sustainable venture…etc etc etc. All very positive stuff.

But in this lovely adventure called life, positivity is rarely rewarded. The job has become a classic underpaid and overworked cluster F of stress where I’m mildly threatened with being fired on a semi-regular basis; Anything Perma-realated seems slightly anti-climactic; And the realization has hit that I’m moving to where there may or may not be any way for me to support myself.

Oh, and let’s not forget the recent revival of Playgirl that decided to invite me back (after such a humiliating severance a year ago), then drop me (at a time when I really could have used the money), publicly blame the fall of the magazine partially on me, and continue to pat its own resurrected back via articles as if anyone really gives a shit. I think it may be like what inspires celebrities to devour whole tubs of ice cream after seeing their ex photographed all over town with a new love.

Add to that health issues (both mine and family), various one-sided attempts to hang out with people before I skip town, and just a general hitting of the proverbial brick wall, and I’ve found myself paralyzed with purposelessness.

“That’s life” as they say…”they” usually being people who are no longer paying rent, living off unemployment, in perfect health, working for themselves, feeling connected to those around them and generally not experiencing the realities of life. I know I’m not the only person out there feeling this ennui, and no, this isn’t some pity-me goodbye cruel world last attempt at reaching out, but just a frustrated girl who thinks at this point she may just sell all her belongings and move to a deserted island that isn’t even on the map.

I need to get my cards read, stat, because even THIS video isn’t doing it for me…


Misty path photo from HW.Wang’s Flickr
Ford commercial from YouTube


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